Wouldn't it be parent heaven if the kids listened to us as they grew up ? That we didn't have to deal with the self-assertion and rebellion of the terrible twos ? That we didn't have to worry what are our children lying about ? That there were no sibling rivalry ? That we didn't have to deal with being alienated during the teenage angst ?
From an evolutionary perspective, each of these stages have a reason for their existence. Sometime between years 1 and 2, a child begins to understand that what she wants is not necessarily what her caregivers want her to have. She begins to learn that she is a different individual than her caregiver. Till then, usually the baby and the caregiver are one, with the caregiver tending to just about every thing the child demands.
With co-author Ashley Merryman, Po Bronson - whose article on praising kids I wrote about a few entries ago - explores some of these issues in a new book called "Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children".
Po Bronson says that teaching kids that telling the truth doesn't always have negative repercussions is better at curbing lying than telling them that they would be punished if they lied. He says in an interview on NPR (National Public Radio):
"Well, 78 percent of American parents think that their teenagers can tell them anything. But the teens completely disagree, because while the average teen might be lying to their parents about 12 of the 36 common topics, even the teens who lie the least are still lying. They're lying about five topics out of the 36.
Parents today imagine that there's a tradeoff between being strict and being permissive and that the benefit of some permissiveness is honesty, that you're going to hear the truth and not be kept in the dark. So you'll be able to help. The science says that those permissive parents do not hear more truth from their kids.
And the best way to hear truth from kids is to set a few rules, consistently enforce them and then this is one that's going to sound controversial, Robert, parents who negotiate occasionally with their teens. We need to see that some arguing with parents, a moderate amount of argument is actually a good thing, not a bad thing. That arguing is a sign of respect, not of disrespect.Because to the teenager, they have two choices: telling the truth and leading to an argument or just outright lying. Arguing over the actual rules is a better alternative and very different thing than arguing over your authority as a parent to set rules at all."
White lies are a fundamental fabric of our contemporary society. Children, who learn so much by imitating, can't distinguish between the social white lie that we so casually utter and the lie that we get so upset with them about. What's worse is we initiate them into the habit of lying. "Don't ask for more even if you're hungry, it's not polite".
A recent book on lying called "The Liar In Your Life" by Robert Feldman delves into this habit of lying. The startling fact is how much we lie and are lied to and how difficult it is for us to separate fact from fiction. Based on his research, Feldman concludes that most people lie at least thrice in a 10 minute conversation (other studies which have concluded similarly). He also says that most people don't know that they're lying and that his participants had to watch the videotapes of their conversations to realize how much they were lying. "It's nice to meet you", "How are you", lies roll off our tongue thick and fast. And we're not alone. The animal kingdom is replete with deception. That most of us seem to gravitate almost naturally towards that right amount of lying that make us good spouses, good citizens without tipping overboard into sociopaths is a sign to me that deception has deep biological roots.
Lying has more beneficial advantages than just being a social grease. Studies have shown that depressed people are far more honest about themselves and what they can control than non-depressed people. "Fake it till you feel it" or "Fake it till you make it" are gospel among those who teach courses on succeeding, building self-confidence or building hard-to-build new habits such as exercising. Placebos have been known to work in place of real medicine.
Of course, this doesn't mean that we ought to lie all the time. Trust is a key element in any good relationship. Cry wolf too much and no one will believe you and you'll become somewhat of a social pariah. Feldman says that lying is much more easier and permissible in contemporary culture. For example, a study by Josephson Institute, a non-profit studying ethical issues, found that 64% of students cheated during a test, up from 60% in 2006. We live in a culture where the pressure to succeed, to be overachievers, is relentless and starts just about immediately after birth. We speak with awe everytime our little one reaches a milestone faster than the average. "Oh, my daughter started speaking when she was 10 months old", "She has the vocabulary of a five year old" and on and on and on. Lying is one way to blow off some of that pressure. Credit card debt is another lie, an illusion that we have more than we really do, driven by a desire to acquire material artifacts in larger numbers than ever before in history, with a view that with their acquisition, comes happiness. Dealing with honesty also requires time and commitment, two items in scarce quantity in our lives today. No wonder our culture encourages and eases deception.
As a parent, these questions and issues take on a larger relevance and urgency than when I was not a parent. Learning to encourage honesty by not shooting the messenger, actively encouraging debate and disagreement, but also promoting conflict resolution may benefit Maya. But books like Po Bronson's seem to raise doubts on folklore such as permissive parents will hear more of the truth from their kids.
Honesty, is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty, is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you - Billy Joel
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